Furc!Wank

Anyone who’s been there for more than ten minutes will invariably learn that Furcadia is a minefield of unwritten etiquette and a social caste system that would make 1st century India look positively egalitarian. So, in order to save you — gentle reader — from inadvertently stepping on any toes, here is the beginner’s guide on what not to do in Furc.

#1. Buy Digos

Never, ever, ever buy digos. I don’t care that you like the look of them, or that they fit in with the theme of your character, or that you’re trying to burn off money for tax purposes. It’s all irrelevant, because everyone knows the only real reason anyone purchases anything from the digomarket is because they’ve got severe self-esteem issues and need to fill the hollow voids in their pathetic lives with a bunch of pixels. Te patheticness of someone’s existence increases at an exponential rate compared to how many digo items they have; life digos of any kind skew this ratio off even further. So never buy digos, unless you really want to advertise to the rest of Furc how pathetic you are by wasting money on a graphical chat client that’s ten years out of date.

#2. Remain Digoless

An even worse sin than buying digos is to remain digoless. Remaining digoless is the number one way to get ridiculed by people with digos, which — as it should become almost immediately apparent — is anyone actually worth knowing. No-one with the immediate and glorious social status instantly conveyed by the digomarket would ever lower themselves to the point of associating with your common, worthless self. In fact, they’re all sitting there right now, whispering to each other (all people with digos automatically all know each other and are all bestest friends for life) and laughing at how lame you are for even daring to be on the same screen as them. They’re mocking how poor you must be, in your trailer, begging your daddy to let you use his credit card — just this once daddy I swear I’ll pay you back — so you can pretend to be as good as they are. Not that it’ll work, mind you. They know your kind; and an ugly doll dressed up in nice clothes is still an ugly doll, after all.

#3. Sit Near Anyone

Sitting next to or even on the same screen as anyone else is instant death. After all, everyone knows that the only reason anyone ever sits on the same screen as anyone is because they’re eavesdropping. Sitting near someone else instantly marks you as a loner pervert who can’t get their own RP session and so has to get off by eavesdropping on someone else’s. This is doubly true in OOC areas, except even creepier because it means that you can’t even get any other pervert friends so have to mooch off someone else’s.

#4. Let Anyone Sit Near You

So, you think you’re safe sitting around in Acrop chatting with your mates? Wrong! Think again, kids, because Furcadia is absolutely crawling with people who spend their entire time just sitting around next to people, recording their conversations in order to repost them later. If you’re lucky, it’ll just be to their friends. If you’re unlucky, you’ll wind up on a place like Furc!Wank. What are they looking for? Absolutely everything! That RP you were really enjoying? Yeah, they’re gonna post that up and pick it apart as an example of what a lame character you have, and how all your ideas suck and, oh, you can’t write either. That chat you were having? They’re laughing at that, too; about what an idiot you are and how they can’t believe anyone could be so stupid as to think that. It’s also worth remembering that everyone is also a sockpuppet account for someone whom you really like, respect and/or are trying to impress, and that as soon as they see you casually open your mouth they’re going to realise exactly how unworthy of their time you really are.

#5. Idle

If anyone ever catches you idling anywhere, for any reason, your reputation will never recover. There are only two reasons anyone ever idles. The first one is similar to the reason people buy digos; because they’re losers whose idea of a good way to show off is to stay connected to a computer game for 60 hours straight. And they are connected, of course; they’re sitting there, watching the screen, but not daring to touch it lest they reset their precious idle-count. Of course, while they’re doing this they’re also deliberately wasting money by leaving their computers on and their internet connected. Because there’s no possible other reason why anyone would leave their machine on for days at a time. Except maybe to rape the planet with all that electricity they’re using.

And that, gentle reader, is it. Of course, this woefully short list cannot hope to ever cover all the faux pas you are likely to make during your career as a Furcer, but it will certainly help. Well, probably; there’s no helping some people, after all. Just make sure to follow these five simple guidelines, and maybe the rest of the server won’t figure out how lame you are until, oh, at least the third day.

Happy dreamhopping!

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